How 2 B a ttly awsum fanfikshun riter
by The One Called Demetra
Summary: In which Demetra instructs the world in the mystical way of the fanfic. Parody
1. How To Become Awesome

**How 2 B a ttly AWSUM fanfikshun riter**

**by**

**The One Called Demetra, in all her eternal wisdom.**

Hai guys, sup? It's me again, and I'll be teaching ya'll how to be THE BEST FANFICTION AUTHOR EVER. I am clearly the most capable person to do this, SO LISTEN UP.

I will be guiding you on your quest to ultimate greatness. Follow my words and you will eventually make it to the status of internet celebrity. Your hundreds of reviewers will bow before your might, or your money back! Imagine your fulfillment and personal satisfaction when you come to realize:

_Anonymous people on the internet say they like your work._

But don't get TOO excited! We still have a lot of work to do.

Look at yourself now. Teenage, average looking, a few friends. You probably spend your days going to school and pah, _learning_ stuff. Why, I bet you spend your afternoons doing homework and spending time with your family! That won't do at all. From now on your life is devoted to fandom. It should preferably be an anime of some sort, one with lots of sparkles and effeminate guys and catgirls, but it can be anything. You live fandom, you breathe fandom, you love [INSERT GOOD LOOKING MALE CHARACTER HERE] and hate [INSERT GOOD LOOKING MALE CHARACTER'S FEMALE LOVE INTEREST HERE]. You draw MS paint fanart and constantly revisit your target of obsession. You emit fangirl squees and own a plushie of [INSERT GOOD LOOKING MALE CHARACTER HERE]. Got it? You must achieve total immersion to count yourself among the TRUE FANS. Once your friends no longer speak to you due to your endless blabber about your fandom and your family is trying to get you to go to a therapist, your alienation from the real world is complete and you can begin.

Step the first, choosing a username. We have to start somewhere, right? Usernames say a lot about the person who…well, _uses_ them. You want it to be flashy and eye-catching, but telling at the same time. Use lots of x's, some capitalized and some not. Make it really long and gibberish-y, too, that draws they eye to it and makes people want to read your story. Include your favorite character's name or favorite pairing so people know what good taste you have. Something like xXxharryanddraco4everxXx should suffice. Or you could create something totally cute by using Japanese words and hearts! This lets people know that you are cultured and fun loving. Something like KawaiiNekoChan3 would also be good.

A username is part of your identity, but the biggest is your profile! Get to work on it immediately—don't bother yourself with any of that actual _writing _rubbish, you have to assert your presence in the fanfiction world with a totally awesome profile. First off, give details about your life. BUT, you can never be too careful, so make sure that when it comes to your age and location, be evasive. The good thing about that is that it's a chance to show the world how quirky and clever you are! For example, you could say that you are 'older than ten but younger than a hundred' or, if you're going for the dark and edgy approach, something curt and hostile like 'Old enough'. For stating your location, make a joke about stalkers. People will love your originality.

You want people to "know" you, so talk about your looks. You probably look pretty average, but the internet doesn't have to know that! How can THEY prove that you don't have natural waist-length silver hair with pink highlights and eyes that change between amethyst purple and burnished gold? They can't, so go ahead and put it.

Make sure to say what kind of personality you have, too. You want people to know how extreme you are, so here's some adjectives to apply to yourself to get people to know how cool and impressive you are:

-cynical

-insane

-sarcastic

-evil

-somebody who is her OWN INDIVIDUAL and DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYBODY ELSE'S OPINIONS and has her OWN IDENTITY WHARRGLGARRBL

For added effect, say that you're bisexual. If they claim that you're just saying so for attention, they are HOMOPHOBES who can't accept people's differences and they should be TROLLED until they go away.

Next, the fun part! That's right, copy pastables. Having these lets people know that you are knowledgeable of the internet, and besides, they're fun! Put in a WHOLE LOT of them. They don't even have to really apply to you. Also do all the ones that have you put your name into a list, since this helps get word around about the new author on the site who will soon be on their way to ultimate greatness. You still have your NOT A NORMAL TEENAGER thing to keep up—you're an INDIVIDUAL, after all, not a mindless sheep like the rest of the world—so make sure the copy pastables show that, too. After all, according to them, 90% of teenagers have moved on to rap, love the Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana, and have tried weed, and you're certainly not one of them!

Okay, for the final step in developing your identity is getting an avatar. You want it to be ORIGINAL, so you should draw it yourself. Don't worry if you're not a good artist, just doodle something—like [INSERT GOOD LOOKING MALE CHARACTER HERE]—in MS paint and use the fill bucket. If you have Photoshop, you can add a lens flare, too. Lens flare makes everything better. And because you want to prevent plagiarism, make sure to note on the top of your profile that the picture is yours and that they shouldn't steal it because that is ART THEFT and ART THEFT is BAD. Feel free to threaten the potential art thieves with violence from a fictional character.

The last thing you need to do to become a true fanfiction author (wait—what? You mean being an author has something to do with _writing? _What the hell have YOU been smoking?) is creating a muse. A muse is your writing inspiration, which implies that it's just the part of your brain that fuels creativity, but that's no fun! Your muse can be an animal or a human. If it's an animal, it has to talk, be supernatural, be interestingly colored, and have a ridiculous name. It also has to be a wolf. No exceptions. If it's a human, it's basically an imaginary friend. All the previous qualifications apply, except for the wolf thing. Well, unless you're into that sort of thing.

This muse should be referenced CONSTANTLY. Give them a detailed bio in your profile, draw another MS paint picture of them, "talk" to them in script format everywhere—reviews, author notes, seriously, everywhere. People will marvel at your creativity and want to get their own. You'll be a trendsetter!

Phew! Finally, you've cemented your status as formidable figure on teh interwebz. This is the important part. Next chapter we'll be covering about how to—THE HORROR—actually write. Huzzah!

--

_[Holy shit, I think I just parodied myself. Yeah, I do that, apparently.  
_

_If I have to tell a single person that this is a satire and not in the slightest serious, I think I might just have to kill myself._

…_wait._

_Well, _fuck_.]_


	2. How To Avoid Writing

**How 2 B a ttly Awsum Fanfikshun Author**

**By**

**The One Called Demetra, in her continuing eternal wisdom.**

**Part Two: How To Avoid Writing **

Alright guys, here it is! The next step in becoming THE GREATEST FANFICTION AUTHOR ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH! It's a tough step, but no worries, it's also the least important one. That's right. Writing. As pointless as it sounds, you're going to want to have a whole bunch of stories published. It'll make you look more distinguished and ergo your opinions will have more weight. Quantity = quality, obviously, so let's get started.

Now, I know what you're thinking—golly gee gosh, I sure am worried. Won't I have to think of a plot and consider the characters and go through a bunch of editing steps?

Nope! That's the good news. Despite what those stupid old farts bragging about all their published novels may say, writing is easy! I mean, how much harder than stringing some words into a sentence could it be? Not very much!

Okay, first off, since you're writing about somebody else's characters, you're going to want to be original. Whatever you do, DON'T write about the characters like they really are. That's boring. Interpret them how you want. Maybe the psychotic villain is really just a woobie who needs a hug. Maybe the cheerful young protagonist is a manic-depressive who cuts himself and listens to emopop while pouring his soul out into his poetry. Maybe the kind young woman who serves as a love interest for our protagonist is really a screaming, manipulative bitch who's getting in between the hero and his male best friend, who is clearly a much better match for him (but that's romance, and we won't be getting into that until next chapter). There are naysayers who may claim that you're making them "out of character" and the story is "unrealistic" because of it, but they're just narrow-minded fools. FOOLS I SAY. There's something called ALTERNATE CHARACTER INTERPRETATION, you know! And besides, it's called fanFICTION. You're allowed to do whatever you want.

Now then, plot. This is where the rule changes: with the characters, you want to give your own spin on things, but with plot, you have to stick with what works. Look around. The fics with the same basic plot have a whole bunch of reviews. Obviously people like it, and anyway, it's way easier than creating your own scenarios and doing the research to make sure they're plausible. Just read some of those fics and write the same thing.

Oh yeah, that reminds me—research. Don't bother with it. It takes a long time and it's boring. If you want to write a romance set in a horror series of which you've only seen the first episode of and set the whole thing in a country you've never been to, you can! It's FANFICTION! For FUN! Because it's for fun, it means you're allowed to do whatever the heck you want. Anybody who complains needs to pull that stick out of their arse and not read what they don't like. And by 'read' I mean 'review and point out'.

Back to plot. Another good thing about plot is that you don't even have to _have _one. You can write oneshots! Oneshots are just one-chapter pieces that can be any length, about anything. They require no planning, no explanation, nothing—what you say goes, because you can't be bothered with writing a complete story. Perhaps you want to write about two characters who have never met getting married. With oneshots, you can!

Or, for example, if you have a really great idea (of course, since all your ideas are great) for a plot—and like I said, writing your own plots is bad, but sometimes we have to break the rules to create true art—but can't be arsed to actually write all the character development, prose, suspense, dialogue and intrigue necessary to the plot, you can just stuff it all into a oneshot. Say you want Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy to be spies sent to kill each other while at the same time being romantically involved. This is, of course, a great and extremely original idea. But while it sounds like it could take up a whole novel-length feature, you can put it all into about one thousand words. Fanfiction is for FUN, remember? Quality is a moot point.

Even better than oneshots are drabbles. Drabbles are awesome. First off, you can write a lot of them, get a few reviews for each, and end up with hundreds and hundreds of reviews gushing about how deep and symbolic you are. Second, they're really, really easy to write. Some may say that drabbles are difficult to write because you have to put a lot of meaning and power into a few words. Well, they're idiots. To write a drabble, you have to do one thing and one thing only: state the obvious. Then you add in one of those new-fangled contraptions you learned about in English once—you know, metaphor, simile, some fancy language, that kind of thing. It doesn't have to make sense, just sound deep. If anybody reviews saying it was just a bunch of nonsense, they are uncultured MORONS—oops, I mean, boorish Neanderthals. Drabbles are ART and art is TRUE EXPRESSION and NOBODY can stifle it! You keep on writing, you free spirit you!

On the subject of TRUE AND FREE ART THAT CAN NEVER BE CONTAINED, let's talk about poetry! Most people agree that a poem does not necessarily have to rhyme. Well, I like to go the extra mile! This is a list of things a poem doesn't have to have:

-Rhythm of any kind

-Structure

-Thought put into it

-A point

Poetry isn't a craft like anything else, with its own set of guidelines and expectations. It's a form of TRUE, PURE EXPRESSION straight from your tortured soul. A good way to write a poem is to write whatever is on your mind, delete some words, and break it up into lines. If you really want to look artsy, add some fancy words and those metaphor things I mentioned. For example, I was having a bad day last week, so I decided to poetize about my abject misery.

The original text:

God, I'm having such a bad day. My life just blows. I wish I could die. Why does this always happen to me?

A totally awesome poem:

_God_

_I am having_

_Such a bad day_

_My life, my soul_

_Just blows_

_Like a desk fan set on 'High'_

_Oh how I wish_

_My life could end_

_Oh why oh why_

_Does this always happen to me?_

Remember, I am a seasoned expert and professional poetizer. Don't expect your first attempt to turn out as well as mine.

The last thing about the bare mechanics of story writing is this: spelling and grammar. Lots of people say that no writer can possibly make it out of the starting gate without learning this first. Well, guess what? THEY ARE WRONG. Remember our mantra: fanfiction is for fun. Since when is pretending your TRUE ART is an English essay fun? And spelling? Geesh, that's what spellcheck is for! I defiantly no than spellcheck has helped my spell butter; you loose nothing buy relaying on it. Don't worry about sentence structure and syntax and such. That will put your writing into a predictable pattern of boringness and stifle the TRUE ART that resides in your INNERMOST SOUL HOMG.

Okay, now you need to know how to name and describe your masterpieces. For titles, you want something interesting and eye-catching. Thinking of titles can be hard, so here's Demetra's Handy-Dandy Super Effective Guide to Titling!

Take a word from here:

Bloody

Dying

New

Destructive

Doomed

Burning

Forbidden

Combine it with a word from here:

Love

Lust

Passion

Justice

Rose

Kiss

Fury

And voila! A totally awesome title!

If none of the titles seem to fit, you can always name your masterpiece 'Story without a title' or 'No title yet' and advertise that the first reviewer gets to name the fic. This'll get people stampeding to review and get their name mentioned, thus riding on the coattails of your success.

And finally, summaries. Summaries are hard. In fact, writing a handful of letters is so difficult that it's perfectly acceptable to forgo any actual summarizing and just type the phrases 'no flames please', 'my first story so please be nice', 'NO YAOI' or 'YAOI', '[pairing] forever!', 'read and review', 'don't like don't read', 'better than it sounds', 'summary sucks', 'I suck at summaries', 'WOOHOO' and 'yay!' in any order. However, if you really want to go the extra mile and have followed my wise advice about plotting, you can use these basic summaries for best effect:

_[Character A] has always hated [holiday]. Can [Character B] change [his/her] mind?_

_[Character A] is in love with [Character B], but doesn't know if [he/she] like [him/her] back! Will they ever get together?_

_[Character A] likes [Character B], but [Character B] doesn't like [Character A] back! Will love prevail?_

_[Character A] and [Character B] have always hated each other when they're forced to [do a class assignment/go on a mission/save the world/etc] together. How will they cope? Will love blossom?_

_When [Character A] and [Character B] meet, they don't like each other at all. But when [Character B] saves [Character A]'s life, what will happen?_

Full credit to me, of course.

One thing to avoid in summaries is to not give out information that the reader might be interested in. Interested readers = reviews, so drawing readers in is a must. If you don't explain the story, people will be confused. So while this:

_[City] is under threat as a mysterious disease breaks out and [Character A] discovers a secret that could change everything._

Is a bad summary, this:

_[City] is threatened by [Villain] and [his/her] [weapon]. [Character A] discovers that moon rocks can stop [Villain] and goes with [Character B] to the land of [country] to talk with their king about borrowing his space ship._

Is a great one!

That about wraps it up, but wait! There's more! Next chapter we have romance, and all the glories of living vicariously through fictional people.

--

_Holy **** on a **** sandwich with **** on top. Just HOW did this get forty-something reviews in such a short time? Dammit, guys, at least four of my fics have effort put into them! Why not read those?!_

…_but seriously, all the reviews for this nonsense? Sheer awesome._


	3. How To Pretend To Have a Love Life

**How 2 B a ttly Awsum Fanfikshun Riter**

**By**

**The One Called Demetra, in her prevailing eternal wisdom**

**Part Three: How To Live Vicariously Through Fictional Characters**

Alright, so you've become the ultimate fanficcer, threw together some words and created your masterpieces. Now comes the fun part. No, not sitting back and watching as people worship at your feet—that's later. What I am referring to is the reason you joined this site in the first place, besides having your ego inflated to hazardous sizes—romance!

It's important to remember that romance is TEH BEST THING EVAR ZOMG!!11!111! I mean, how could it not be? Love is the greatest thing ever. Ergo, writing about love will make your writing the greatest thing ever. Simple logic. Here are a few things to remember about romance.

First off, loyalty. You must stick to your OTP, one true pairing. It is your life. LIFE I SAY. Draw your OTP. Write your OTP. Go on forums and write up manifestos as to why your OTP is the best/canon. Yes, that includes far-fetched pairings, including slash, cross-species, characters who have never met, etc. etc. It IS the best, dammit, and you know it—why not go on the internet and shout about the truth of this?

Troubleshooting:

_Problem: Somebody ships one member of my OTP with somebody else!_

Solution: Explain to them that they are misguided fools and that the true way to enlightenment is _your _OTP. Also that they fuck goats.

_Problem: Somebody ships one member of my OTP with somebody I don't like!_

Solution: Inform them that the character who they dare ship your favorite with is a whore and does not deserve your darling. She's a Mary Sue, too, just an awful character overall and totally unlikable as a person. God, how can _anyone _like this bitch? Clearly they have no taste and their opinions are therefore invalid.

_Problem: Somebody dislikes my OTP!_

Solution: Creatively insult them until your ego is restored to its former glory. Blasphemy will not be tolerated.

_Problem: Strange green fluid is issuing from my ear!_

Solution: Firstly, that is disgusting, secondly, that is irrelevant. What the hell are you doing here, anyway?

Once you've picked an OTP, you should know some basic guidelines about how to write it.

1. Canon. Go with fluff here. It's canon, what the hell do you need development for? The writers for the actual work have already gotten them to relationship status, and now that our lovebirds have found each other, they are utterly complete as people. They are the most they will ever be—they will of course never leave their love for another, or change in any way whatsoever, especially not in regards to their One True Love. I mean, love conquers all, right? And anyway, if things changed, _things might not be as perfect as they are now. _We can't have that. The characters must remain in deliriously happy stasis. _Or else._

But yes, fluff. Picture them cuddling, dating, doing generic cutesy things. Phrases like "she gazed lovingly into his cobalt eyes" and "he breathed in the strawberry scent of her long blonde tresses" and "they continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of their forever" are recommended.

For the ambitious risk-taker, there is another approach. This is primarily used for canon couples that aren't _quite _canon yet. It involves putting easily surmountable obstacles between your couple for them to overcome. After all, conflict is vital. Things like arranged marriages, misunderstandings, convenient eavesdroppers, stuff that ZOMG PREVENTS TRUE LOVE. In the original work, you, of course, know that they'll get together in the end due to your keen perceptive skills and wise forethought, but all those other idiots might not! You must prove to them without a shadow of a doubt that LOVE WILL PREVAIL. Dicking around with false suspense and forgone conclusions is the way to achieve this.

2. Attractive Male Character/Female. Or male, but we'll get to that later. Look, this character is hot, right? And they have some other good qualities too, right? But, say, they don't have a canon love interest. Or even worse, they're paired with somebody you DON'T LIKE. That whore, she's not nearly good enough for your favorite character. This must be fixed. Kill her! Burn the witch! Or alternately, make her a villain! Make her clingy and possessive! Mutilate her until nothing but a caricature with no semblance to the original is left! No one will sympathize with her now, ha ha, no one at all. Now when you introduce a female character you DO like to him, readers won't protest when they fall into each other's arms, blissfully happy. If the female character already has a love interest, do the same to her boyfriend as you did to the attractive male character's girlfriend. Or pair him off with the non-threatening nice best friend—after all, he's a guy. He doesn't deserve to be just written off like that disgusting whore your favorite character was with until you took care of her.

Alternately, you can create an original character, which will be talked about next chapter.

3. Hero/Villain. You know how they say the line between love and hate is thin, yes? Well, DAMN right. All those times they're trying to kill each other and are trading insults? Repressed attraction. Belligerent sexual tension. Subtext. Pick one and run with it. This also gives you an opportunity to get creative and original with contrast imagery. Y'know, white/black, love/hate…um…up/down. It'll be all, like, postmodern and stuff, man.

4. Male/Male. Guy on guy is hot. And how do you prove this? SUBTEXT SUBTEXT SUBTEXT.

.

_SUBTEXT._

_SUBTEXT._

_**SUBTEXT.**_

It's TRUE. I mean, look at that one scene where Chuck passes Barry the mashed potatoes at the dinner party. What? You don't see anything? Look again. SEE?! For exactly one-fourths of a second, their eyes met. What do you mean, SO? _Clearly _their eyes were burning with forbidden desire in that scene. And how about that time Barry passes chuck that object that is longer than it is wide? Obvious phallic imagery, symbolizing their secret homosexual relationship. When writing this, same rules as canon. I mean, the entire relationship is practically spelled out in the #BRQ!#$%!, so you can just promote that SUBTREARARQWREQWTEXT to an open relationship in your fanfic and go from there.

And anyway, it's hot.

5. Character X/Character Y. Just friends? Haven't met? Hate each other? Different species? Crazed psychopaths? Uninterested? Asexual? One or both inanimate objects? None of that matters. Because true love prevails and the end, and NOTHING—and I do mean nothing—can limit that truest, purest form of ultimate emotion, and definitely not things like good taste and biology.

…

…

…

SUBTEXT SUBTEXT SUBTESADBARFEWUOBTEXT **SUB! TEXT! **EHEHEHE! _Subtextsubtextsubte—_

**Please stand by. Do not adjust your set. We apologize for momentary technical difficulties. Medication has now been administered.**

Ahem. Right.

Another aspect of romance writing that was mustn't forget are sex scenes. Sex scenes garner readers, you want readers, ergo you write sex scenes.

Here is a simple test to determine whether or not you should write a sex scene.

1. Have you had sex?

A. Yes

B. No

C. No, but I totally know how it works, I've watched the hentai and everything

2. Can you write?

A. Yes

B. No

C. OF COURSE! I'm like, a writing genius!

3. Would the scene be appropriate in the text?

A. Yes

B. No

C. Pfft, any time is a good time, duh.

If you answered _mostly A's, _then congratulations! You are qualified to write a sex scene! If you answered _mostly B's, _then congratulations! You are qualified to write a sex scene! If you answered _mostly C's, _then congratulations! You are qualified to write a sex scene!

If you happen to be a twelve-year-old virgin who hasn't picked up a pen before today, don't worry, it's really easy. The actual sexing bit is obvious. I mean, the guy's thingy goes into the girl's you-know-what and then something happens and then one of them smokes a cigarette while making some kind of remark, right? That's simple enough. Just describe those things however you like and the reviews will pour in like…um…things that pour.

And finally, remember that romance is really the only thing out there. There's no real reason besides it to dabble in fanfic. Gen fic is pointless, plotted stuff is too long, character studies and stupid high-brow stuff like that is so _boring_, and why bother writing about two characters interacting when it's not romantic? Love is the pinnacle of human emotion, so it's doing it half-way to have a relationship of any different kind in your fanfic.

Besides, you already _have _friends, siblings and parents. Your love life, on the other hand, is as barren as you skull—I MEAN, the Sahara desert. That doesn't have to be the case with your real friends, the fictional characters. You're not living vicariously, really—you're just showing how wonderful love is!

Keep that in mind and keep on writing, you free spirit you.

--

_It seems that I'm incapable of writing anything intended to be remotely amusing without taking a jab at Twilight. I think there's something wrong with me._


	4. How To Flaunt Your Ego Through an OFC

_This chapter shouldn't exist, but it does. It shouldn't have been so long as to have to be broken up into two parts, but it is. I shouldn't be still dickering around on this site, but I am, and these Thing That Shouldn't Be is why I bring you this._

**How 2 B a ttly awsum fanfikshun riter **

**by**

**The One Called Demetra, who has "the one" in her name and is therefore very important and full of wise wisdom.**

**Part Four: How To Flaunt Your Ego Through an Original Female Character (Section One: Construction)**

Now, the last and most important thing you need to know about that actual writing junk before you can get to the infinitely more satisfying and useful part of the fanfiction experience that is enjoying the feeling of your entranced readers kissing the ground you walk upon, is the nature of the Original Character.

"Original character?" you may be asking. "But that has the word original in it! That's bad, right?"

No, no, it's okay! No originality need be involved in writing an original character. Sure, she's yours, but actual originality would probably ruin her. Stick to what works.

"But Demetra, O highest mistress of the mysterious arts," you may be saying. "How can I invent a whole new character? She has to have a history and appearance and personality and everything! That's _hard!"_

I know, I know. But, remember, you're the greatest writer in the world. And with my wise wisdom at your disposal, you'll be well on your way to having a character who reflects your brilliance.

First and most important thing first, looks. This is the greatest character ever, so she has to look the part. Gotta have long hair, of course, short hair isn't as fun to describe in painful detail every time she's introduced (Unless she's the sporty, rebellious spitfire type, in which case it's fine—strong, independent women like her don't have long hair, and never wear dresses). It's less romantic, too. As for color…well, the most common color is that icky combination of brown and blonde, but it's ugly, so we can't have that. Preferably it should be some sort of fluorescent shade; cyan or pink or violet. It's eye-catching, and since she'll be hooking up with your fictional crush quite shortly (more on that later), she has to catch his eye, right? But if you're the serious over-achiever type and want to be all realistic by giving her actual brown or blonde hair, you have to describe it right. If it's brown, never call it brown. Or even brunette. It is a chocolate fan of silky strands framing her delicate face perfectly, UNDERSTAND? If blonde, under no circumstances is she blonde. She has a waterfall of golden sunshine cascading down her back. She can't be a redhead, either, only a fiery redhead, because all redheaded people are fiery.

Next, eyes. Possibly the most important part of the most important aspect of your awesome character. Windows to the soul and all that, right? Much of the same rules that apply to hair apply to eyes, but with a few additional points. They should have some kind of unique quirk about them. Perhaps they're emerald with flecks of gold that shift to violet in the sunlight. Eyes change color, right? Of course, you really should be creative here—maybe they change color with her moods or the weather. But again, if you're one of those boring people who are afraid of accusations of Mary Sues (more later), you can make them a normal color, but they have to be arresting. Soul-piercing. Penetrating. _Something. _And remember, no icky, boring colors like brown. If you want them some shade of brown, they have to be soulful pools of chocolate heaven. Blue is also okay, so long as they are cerulean orbs of endless desire.

This brings me to another minor point about eyes—they aren't eyes. Come on, "eyes"? sounds so _medical. _No, no, no, no, no—it's _orbs. _Or pools. Or disks. But never, ever eyes. Eyes are far too _special _to be called eyes. It's orbs. Got it? Good.

So, that's eyes, hair…um…those are the only important parts of a person's looks, really. It's all you see when you look at somebody, so it might be a little strange to want to describe body shape and type, facial structure, stuff like that. I mean, for one thing, it's not fun. You can't make skin any fun, eye-catching colors without being weird. But remember! Greatest character ever for the greatest writer ever! She needs a proper, full description. Remember, description is good! Everyone says so! So load pages and pages onto it, and you'll have filled most of that with pinning down the exact shade of her irises, but there's still some other stuff.

Ooh, let's see…she has to be slender, nobody cares about fat people. _Really _slender. Like anorexic, except not really, because that's, like, a serious problem and would detract from more interesting things about her, like her hair color. And young, of course. How young? Well, how old are you? Make it a bit older, 'cause thirteen year old heroines and sex goddesses are kind of weird, but definitely in that neighborhood. You can't say she's just tall or short. Nah, you have to give exact feet and inches. Or centimeters, I guess, if you're one of those mindless savages who don't live in America. How tall are you? Make it like that, except a bit taller. Tall characters are strong characters. Nobody wants to read about short characters.

As for facial and body structure, and any metaphors that might (heaven forbid) give the reader a clear idea of what she looks like—well, being too specific would alienate some readers. You want them to step into her shoes, right? So be vague, but make it flattering. You want readers to be flattered, obviously. Curves in all the right places, well-balanced face, petite but strong, stuff like that. But remember! Arrogance is unattractive! She has to be modest about it, too. Because you want readers to be sure that your flowery, beautiful descriptions actually indicate that people find her attractive, go ahead and have other characters compliment her—and at the same time, show off how modest and wonderful she is by having her shyly deny it all.

Alright! Next part! Her history! Well, let's see. You want readers to feel sorry for her, and show her strength of character, so she's got to have something bad happen to her. Let's see…say, her mother died in childbirth and she felt guilty about it. Okay, but what about her father? Old men are pretty much uniformly evil, so he's a rapist and child-beater, often at the same time. You can go ahead and vary it up—maybe the mother was a junkie who committed suicide right in front of the poor girl and her father was driven to drink because of it! When it comes to parents, there's an easy way to come up with a creative, pity-inspiring backstory. Divide the following amongst both parents and you're ready to go: died, alcoholic, addict, suicide, neglectful, rapist, child-beater, disappeared, etc. etc.

And she won't get out of her situation on her own, either, until both parents are dead/gone. Child services don't exist—and if they do, those bastard parents are too sneaky to let them notice that there is a deprived child in the house. Parents are so untrustworthy. I bet they made her do homework and clean the house! Those cads!

Of course, she won't try anything because…uh…because she loves them too much. Obviously.

But her suffering is not over yet. Be creative! Inside a safe, predictable parameter, of course; we already know that wild deviation from the norm is bad. Perhaps she lives on the streets. Perhaps she goes to an orphanage where she has nothing and everybody hates her for her beauty. Perhaps she gets raped. Combinations of the above are acceptable.

Have we covered all our bases? Rape? Dead parents? Poverty? Alright, she should be good and pitiable now. This should ward off most accusations of Mary Sueism; cynical, cold-hearted, lonely, friendless people who don't like her won't dare to say so in the face of her suffering.

And now for the final touches! Her SPESHULNESS!

She can't just be extremely beautiful and tragic. She has to have another element to her that truly makes her amazing. This is where you can get creative (but remember, not TOO creative—just creative enough so that when those bastard reviewers start complaining, you can accuse them of not respecting your creativity and how dare they do that, you're such a good writer, everyone says so! Well, your parents do. And they wouldn't lie or anything. And besides, it's just their OPINION that she's ridiculous and overwritten, it means NOTHING, and they shouldn't SHUT UP and NOT READ what they DON'T LIKE….uh, where were we? Right, speshulness.) Select from the following list!

-Shapeshifter

-Magical

-Half-elf

-Half-dragon (or otherwise half-something-cool. If it's something like a unicorn or a dragon, she should have the ability to appear as a beautiful human with elements of her otherworldliness, like a half-unicorn whose horn transforms into a glowing pearl set in the forehead of the human form. Makes perfect sense, right?)

-Last of her kind

-Royalty

-Vampire

-Pet unicorn (Pheonixes, dragons, hippogriffs, etc. work fine—remember to name them something really clever and have them be really smart and her only confidants, too. Your extra-speshul character should have an extra-speshul best friend. Besides, wouldn't having a mythical pet that could talk to you about your love life be so cool?)

-Illegitimate child

-Demon

-Angel

-An illegitimate child of an angel and demon

-An illegitimate child of a royal angel and demon

-An illegitimate child of a royal angel and demon who is magical

-An illegitimate child of a royal angel and demon who is magical and also has the ability to shapeshift

-An illegitimate child of a royal angel and demon with some elvish blood on the side who is magical and also has the ability to shapeshift.

-A vampiric illegitimate child of a royal angel and demon with some elvish blood on the side who is magical and also has the ability to shapeshift

-The last vampiric illegitimate child of a royal angel and demon with some elvish blood on the side who is magical and also has the ability to shapeshift while riding a unicorn.

Add your own! The weirder she is, the more unique she is, and ergo the better she is, and the better she reflects your brilliance.

Am I forgetting anything? Hmm…nope, doesn't look like it. Tune in next chapter for a look at how she should interact with the other characters.

…

OH YEAH! Personality! I knew I was forgetting something.

Hmm. Uh. Let's see. This is a tough one. What I recommend doing is going by her hair color. Red hair? Fiery redhead. We already talked about this. All girls with red hair must be fiery and independent and only swoon into submissiveness when your favorite character and lust object approaches them. Blonde? Meek and shy and sweet and loved by all. Brunette? Witty and smart, just as witty and smart as _you _are! Black-haired? Mysterious. That's a personality, right? Cyan? Violet? Neon green? Well, then what the heck does she need a _personality_ for with hair as interesting as that?

As a rule of thumb, you want to make sure to stick to personality archetypes. Trying to structure a living, breathing person out of individual elements is too hard. You want to make sure that you can describe her in, at very most, three words. Of course, _you _know that she is endlessly structured and complicated. She's a work of art—after all, you created her. But transferring that onto paper? _Way _too hard, and readers will get confused, too. Fiery, independent redheads can have just enough depth to secretly want to be loved. Meek, shy blondes can have an iron core that is endlessly talked about but never shown (because having her be rescued from danger all the time is much more fun and emotionally satisfying—more on that next chapter). But going beyond that, giving her confused and contradicting layers of being, just like a real person? _Nawwwww._

Okay, you've got your character. Is she not utterly GLORIOUS? Of course she is. Next chapter, we release her into the land of fiction and see what sort of city-leveling havoc she wre—I mean, see how she interacts with the characters, but most importantly, your lust object!


	5. How To Use Wish Fulfillment With an OFC

**How 2 B a ttly awsum fanfikshun riter **

**by**

**The One Called Demetra, who has lots and lots of reviews, which makes her opinion worth more than yours.**

**Part Four: How To Flaunt Your Ego Through an Original Female Character (Section Two: Implementation)

* * *

**

Okay, so! You have your wonderful original character! As she steps from the growing-pod that is your brilliant mind, dripping with the slimy muck of creativity, you can only marvel at her glory. Do her unique and telling eyes not shine with her innate speshulness? Does her skin not glow with the full moon's light? Is her hair not smooth and silky? Is she not the most remarkable character to ever emerge from a brain's exhaust pipe? Of course she is! Now all that is left is to loose this flawless creature into the fandom of your choice.

For actually getting her into the story, there are two basic choices. First, you can have her dramatically arrive from worlds beyond into the story. A totally hip American witch transfers to Hogwarts; a Perfectly Normal Teenage Girl gets sent to Middle Earth; a hidden and extremely powerful daughter of Zeus emerges; that kind of thing. This if a fun option, because, well, look at her! She's so SPESHUL! Doesn't she deserve a dramatic entry, with the whole entire world totally absorbed in the arrival of their goddess? It should be flashy! Take the world by surprise! She deserves it, after all.

The second approach is far more boring, in that it involves her being insinuated into the universe and things shifted around to accommodate her. The more involved the better. Since she's technically a newcomer, and already distinctive in how much better than all the other characters she is, you want the reader to accept her presence more easily, just in case a few of them are blind enough to not appreciate her awesomeness. A standard example is a girl who's Harry Potter's twin sister, Sirius's cousin, Dumbledore's daughter, Draco's aunt, Snape's daughter, Cedric's ex-girlfriend, Ron's, Dean's, Seamus's, Blaise's, Neville's, and Fred's crush/childhood friend/lust object, and Voldemort's daughter. And not just in relationships with the characters, mind. She should also be entrenched in whatever canonical events that happen. So go ahead and make her the eighth horcrux, the subject of another, more important prophecy, and the fifth contestant in the Triwizard Tournament. Does it make sense? Who cares!

Now that she's there, we have to determine how she'll interact with the other characters. This is usually pretty easy. Think about how you view the characters. That one guy, he's hot, right? So of course she's his love interest. If there's lots of hot guys, all of them can be in love with her, and the plot is her having to choose between them (if all of them are too hot to choose between, remember—polygamy is a-okay!) And that one guy's love interest, she's such a bitch, right? I mean oh my god, I hate her so much, she's so useless and annoying and UGGHHH, he sooooo does not deserve That Bitch, he should be with someone way better, and therefore, your infinitely superior character should be hated by her (after all, when you went on those forums to talk about how much you hated That Bitch, you were asked if you could do better. Well you sure showed them!). If your character is the nice type, well, she can just be confused and sad about why this mean, nasty person is so awful to her. If she's the feisty red-headed type, then of course they should constantly be getting into arguments, with your character uniformly winning them with her glorious wit. Just remember, when it comes to That Bitch and your character, your character wins, and when she doesn't, she only looks like an unfairly attacked victim whom That Bitch is being nasty to out of jealousy. The jealousy is important.

Naturally, all the characters you like should be on good terms with her. They especially should abandon their old friends and ideals so as to remain in her favor. And the characters you don't like, in addition to That Bitch, well, duh—you don't like them, why should she? Just remember, she has to win in the end, or else she might not be perfect anymore, so anybody who doesn't like or respect her has to end up dead, humiliated, or liking her.

Possibly, there's another character involved, one that's either a villain or close to the Love Interest, one who you don't like very much (the Boromir to an Aragorn, for instance. He's a villain, right?) What to do with him? As to many answers in the world of fiction, it's quite simple: rape. Rape is dramatic, a gutsy thing for an author to do, it'll make your character the victim, and effectively remove the rapist from any roles of importance, since clearly he'll soon be killed by either her or the Love Interest. If you're thinking that to use rape in a story in such a flippant way might be offensive to some, then clearly the only way to proceed is to have your character brush the incident off, because a) she's SUCH a strong character b) she's had worse in her tragic past or c) she's Just That Speshul.

Naturally, she's a great fighter, and a Strong Independent Woman—after all, you're the intelligent, forward-thinking type, and Strong Independent Women are the only remotely acceptable female characters. In fact, all characters who aren't Strong and Independent must be condemned (you're just that forward-thinking) – why? Because they are Mary Sues. Mary Sue is a term for a character you don't like, and any character, no matter how realistic the work in question is supposed to be, that isn't Strong and Independent should be called out on their humanity by your far superior character. Anyway, yes, because she's just so Strong and Independent, she should be outdoing everybody and gaining the respect of the most jaded, experienced types in the group.

Until it comes time to be kidnapped, that is! Kidnapping is lots of fun, and lets the Love Interest shine as he rescues her constantly. It's also a good opportunity to have That Bitch look bad by being against rescuing your character – if she's the Love Interest's current girlfriend, this is a golden opportunity to have him dump that whore and realize his love for your character.

As for an ending, there are, again, basically two choices. One is a happily ever after in which she marries the Love Interest, That Bitch is dead, and there are wonderful, perfect babies that never cry or poop. The other is to have her die heroically and save the day, perhaps in the face of That Bitch's jealous meddling. This is okay, since you can always bring her back later (maybe because when she went to heaven, God decided it was not yet her time and sent her back. God returns dead people to life because it was not yet their time constantly, so this is perfectly realistic) and THEN give her the happily ever after she has deserved. Dying will underline how awesome she is, so it's recommended she dies at least once.

Just remember to follow these narrow, specific rules, be creative, never dissent from my wise wisdom, let your fickle opinions wildly color every aspect of your writing, and you'll be on your way to having bazillions of glowing reviews!

* * *

_I'm dissatisfied with this chapter. I mean, Mary Sue bashing? That's like the lowest of the low in terms of parodies. Plus I'm kind of rushing to get this out already because today has been my Get Shit Done day and there's only half an hour of today left. Please inform me of any additional suck you may notice here. But oh well, some people might still find Mary Sue bashing to still be the height of hilarity._

_On a serious note, I really do hate how in demand Strong Independent Characters are. Because all people are Strong and Independent and Admirable and fiction should reflect this universal truth, amirite? I mean geez, fictional characters shouldn't have to be role models, they should be people—and some people are strong and independent, and others aren't. Is variety just too much to ask for? Seeing as I haven't found anybody who agrees with me yet, I'm expecting a hellstorm of complaining. Have fun!_

_Thanks for the fuckton of reviews, guys. There's maybe one chapter of this left to squeeze out, and then I'll be done._


	6. How To Reap the Vegetables of Your Labor

**How 2 B a ttly awsum fanfikshun riter **

**by**

**The One Called Demetra, who has guided you to greatness, and now demands worship.**

**Part Six: Reaping the Fruits of Your Labor**

Look around, young padawan. What do you see? Besides walls and anime character plushies, I mean? That's right. You see an empire. A glorious, fanfictional empire. Sure, you tried to build the first one, and that sank into obscurity. And you tried to build the second one, and that also sank into obscurity. And you tried to build the third one, and that was flamed into oblivion, collapsed, and sank into obscurity. But the fourth one! That one stayed up!

And it is glorious indeed. Engineered to be as appealing and simple as possible so as to generate reviews, it's impossible for anybody to enter it without finding _something _that appeals to them, be it porn, emotional fulfillment, cheap laughs, the crossing of two popular things, or the ceasing of withdrawal symptoms. Yes, the fanfictional empire is grand indeed—and you didn't even have to experiment with dishonest review-mongering to find the correct formula for it, just by reading this guide!

But all is not well in paradise. Even now as your unimpressive teenage frame sits cackling on the pile of reviews, faves and alerts, there may still be work to be done.

"Whaaat?" you may be asking. "But I'm famous now! What could possibly go wrong?"

Patience, impatient one. There is still the matter of managing and replying to your legions of adoring fans, not to mention the—god forbid—people who _aren't _adoring fans.

Anyway, let's get started. Now that you've put your money where your mouth is, you are allowed to flaunt the crap out of it. In your profile, add a new section all about your writing. Type out a long, urbane history of everything you ever wrote, including the poem about farm life you wrote in kindergarten. Make sure to be self-deprecating, which is just terribly charming. Do so by saying things like "I wrote my first full-length novel at the age of eight and there were some people looking to get it published, but it wasn't any good so I didn't let them." Be sure to mention any and all awards you've received for your writing. Everything goes. That sixth-grade superlative you got for 'Best Vocabulary'? Counts. That A on that seventh grade creative writing assignment? Counts. That obscure internet fanfiction contest that you got an honorable mention prize in? Counts. Even if none of them are particularly impressive, people will be cowed by the sheer amount of honors you've received and forget that none of them mean anything.

Now that you're famous, you have an obligation to your fans. You have to reply to each and every review. If you for some reason are not refreshing your inbox obsessively after posting a chapter and end up replying to a review late because you had to do something boring (like go to a hospital to witness your grandfather's last moments, ugh) make sure to apologize profusely in the author's notes and express how awful you feel about not immediately getting back to your loyal reviewers.

On the topic of author's notes and obligation, now that you're famous, you have to work hard on your author's notes. Thank every individual reviewer, shamelessly compliment them, and do lots of dedications. Of course your "most loyal reviewer", a girl who left a single smiley face on every one of your fifty 500-word chapters deserves to have an OC named after her and inserted into the story. This is why it's a good idea to write stories with lots of disposable OCs in them—it's easy to give your most loyal reviewers the highest honor of being in your fic. This will flatter them, and make them adore you even more.

Follow these techniques, and you will soon have an army of loyal slaves, who will be useful for when you are dealing with the dissenters—by which I mean, of course, the dreaded flamer.

Let's talk about flamers. First, you need to know what one is. A flamer is anybody who does not like your fic. Here are some example of flames, the type of review left by a flamer.

"u suk cox fag go die"

"ths sucks, learn 2 rite"

"This is terrible. Somebody needs to revoke your creative license."

"I didn't like this very much, you need to work on your grammar."

"I like your plot, but your prose is difficult to get through and your interpretations of the characters are unrealistic and shallow."

"I think this has a lot of potential if you got a beta to polish the mechanics of this."

"Pretty good! I love that song. It seemed a bit rushed though. Maybe add some more about what they're feeling instead of just describing the make out."

"Oh my gosh! This is so great! I love the part where he declared his love and asked her to marry him! EEEEE! This is such a creative well-written story. Update soon! Just a note: direct quotes end with commas, not with periods. That's all. Bye!"

"This story is amazing. Everything in creation has been merely buildup to this moment where you write this masterpiece. I am in awe. I wish to dedicate my life to you and this story. I don't really ship this pair, and you forgot a couple commas, but whatever. LET ME KISS YOUR FEET."

How dare they speak to you like that? You! Who do they think they are? Do they think they have a purpose outside the continued bolstering of your ego? Fools! You'll show them!

A good strategy for dealing with flamers is turning absolutely everything they say back at them. They say you're immature? THEY'RE the immature ones! They say you can't write? THEY'RE the ones who can't write! And they don't know the meaning of the word 'write', either, because clearly you can put words down on a page. Idiots. They say you don't know grammar? Search everything they ever wrote looking for the most minor of grammar mistakes. You're sure to find one eventually. See? Now THEY'RE the ones that don't know grammar!

Of course, these witticisms will only get you on even ground with that monster who dared insult your greatness. Throw in some of these to give yourself the upper hand:

-They have no life.

-They have no friends.

-Their username is stupid.

-Curse words. Use 'em. Too young to know any? Look some up. Don't know what they mean? That's okay! That awful flamer will be impressed by your creativity. Just make sure your parents don't see you looking at them. Then you might get grounded and not allowed to use the computer. Ugh, parents are so unfair.

-They're probably a guy only pretending to be a girl. Or a lesbian. Or both!

-Fanfiction is for fun! It doesn't have to be good! (Although yours totally is.)

And finally, after spending many hours furiously working on a response to a flamer, remember to sign off with a little pleasantry like "Have a nice day! :)" or "Love, [Username]". Just to prove that you're the bigger person.

But just responding to them isn't enough. Now you have to sic your fans on them. Post how hurt you are by this review in your author notes and profile. Give out any and all personal information on them that you have. Subtly direct your adoring fans to their profile. Soon enough your PM box and reviews will be full of sympathy and reassurance, any damage by the flamer now undone. Meanwhile, they'll be inundated with angry fans of yours telling them how mean they are. That should teach them.

But what if they still aren't gone? What do you do then? Easy! Write a hatefic!

You know how writing about a character most people in the fandom dislike being brutally murdered and portrayed negatively will be loved by all? Same principle applies. Write a story in which this awful flamer has a pathetic life and is mean to everybody, which is why they have no friends and are failing out of school and get beaten by their parents and soforth. There. How could anybody take them seriously now? They certainly won't pity fictional-them, oh no. Evil people aren't meant to be pitied. Readers know that. Rub your hands together and cackle, my friend, for you have done good work. Alternatively, you can just write about a fictional you beating the crap out of and humiliating fictional them. Just as cathartic, more direct. People who have also been hurt by this terrible excuse of a human being will love it, earning you yet more fans and reviews.

There. Fiery threat eliminated. Code red over. You can breathe easy now.

So. You are now armed with knowledge. And knowledge, much like AK-47s, miniguns, tanks, automatic weapons, very sharp knives, pistols, revolvers, katanas, daggers, rapiers, scimitars, dirks, short swords, long swords, broadswords, M16s, heavy rocks, a regiment of loyal meatshields, stealth bombers, fighter planes, destroyers, battle cruisers, grenades, sharpened sticks, venomous animals, deadly poison, and cross porcupines, is power. And what do you do with this power of vital importance? You blow it up in everybody's face.

You know what to do. Get out there and rape the writing world with all the knowledge you can muster! Play some heroic music—I recommend Gonna Fly Now, Eye of the Tiger, or perhaps Chariots of Fire—run in slow motion with your pen lifted up high, and spread your wings! I believe in you, my pupil! You won't believe how hard I'm believing right now! I believe in you!

.

.

.

Alternatively, you may choose to turn off your computer, write something of value, and achieve something in your lifetime.

Now that'll be $300 for the lessons, and another $50 for the motivational speech. In cash. Come on, cough it up. I know you got it.


End file.
